There can be few experiences more heart-warming and pleasurably poignant for a parent than to be in the audience when your child enjoys time in the spotlight. This can take many different forms during their formative years and particularly when they are part of a school like Edge Grove where meaningful spotlight moments are intentionally initiated each day.
Last week provided a good few such opportunities for the children to shine their lights in front of appreciative and admiring audiences. In particular, the extraordinary Year 3 and 4 Bah Humbug stage production, the impressive Year 7 ‘In The Library’ poetry recitals, and the beautifully simple Year 1 and 2 Nativity Plays on Friday afternoon offered mums and dads a few such experiences. As a member of the audience, I was certainly caught up in each moment and could attest to and share some of the reflected feelings of pride and adulation being felt by so many of you.
I could compose a good few paragraphs to highlight all that each child-centred occasion brought alive for the children and the parents, but this newsletter will capture them more fully, and probably more eloquently, than I could manage. My purpose for focusing on these magical memory-making moments is to draw attention to how the ‘being in the spotlight’ experiences will often add subtle but significant enhancing to a child’s broader learning.
Some of the hidden messages that will have permeated into the hearts and minds of the children will emanate from having experienced, under a teacher’s watchful guidance and tutoring, a combination of many of the following:
A clear message that thorough planning, preparation and rehearsing brings results;
It’s only through hard work that results, recognition and appreciation rightly ensue;
Recognising that there are no shortcuts to being well-prepared;
Excitement and joy can be harnessed in ways that enhance the experience;
That disappointments at missing out on a desired role is a reality of life;
Being ‘under the lights’ with others brings its own form of empowering;
Mistakes happen, it’s not the end of the world if you stumble over a word or two;
Finding the courage to play your part brings its own form of resilience and grit;
Sharing time and space with others deepens relatedness and friendships;
Real satisfaction and reward comes through blessing others with your talents.
The past term has been filled with many similar adventures for the children. Most of them have provided salient and necessary reminders to us as parents that so much of what defines our children’s deeper learning-for-life experiences emerges from having to find it within themselves to believe, to trust, to engage, to work hard and to endure.
Along similar lines, I felt it appropriate to share with you all an article by Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis, a journalist for the Huffpost.
It's hard not to clear every obstacle in our children's path so they can be happy now - getting what they want, when they want it. But when we clear the road for a child, we make their life too easy. We don't allow them to build life-coping skills they'll need down the road to handle life's hard realities.
Years ago, my friend's daughter really wanted to be chosen as "Swimmer of the Week" at their country club. It's an honour bestowed weekly to one child per age group in the summer.
Parents will sometimes call the club to request that their child be picked. But my friend didn't want to do that. She wanted her daughter to win the award through hard work and perseverance. So she told her child, "When you get this award, you'll know you earned it. You'll know I didn't have anything to do with it."
It took her daughter TWO SUMMERS to be named "Swimmer of the Week." As you'd imagine, she was so proud of herself when her efforts finally paid off. But the biggest surprise came at the summer's end, when her daughter received the Coach's Award at the banquet. This award is based on hard work, attitude, and performance.
To this day, this child still gets recognized for her work ethic by teachers and coaches. She receives honours like "hardest worker award" and team captain. And while I'm sure her work ethic is partly due to nature, I'm also certain that her nurturing at home has played a big role, too.
My favourite parenting motto has always been, "Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child." The most popular article I've written - "10 Common Mistakes Parents Today Make" - was based on this philosophy, and given the response it received, I believe many parents embrace a similar perspective.
Yet even so, it's hard not to be a Snowplow Parent in an age of Snowplow Parenting. It's hard not to clear every obstacle in our children's path so they can be happy now - getting what they want, when they want it - and buck the current trends.
But when we clear the road for a child, we make their life too easy. We don't allow them to build life-coping skills they'll need down the road to handle life's hard realities. Because right now our children face Little League stress. They face rejection, disappointment, and adversity on a small and age-appropriate level (generally speaking).
But one day, our children will experience Big League stress. Their rejection, disappointment, and adversity will be adult-sized. And unless they learn healthy ways to cope with Little League stress - and experience the pride and confidence that come when they push through an obstacle and emerge stronger on the other side - they won't be ready for the Big League.
It's hard to admit this, but part of a parent's job is to help our children not need us. We have 18 years to pack their suitcase, 18 years to slowly equip them to handle life as self-sufficient adults. And while love is irrefutably the most important gift we give our children, true love wants what's best for a person long-term. True love thinks beyond instant gratification and short-lived happiness. It values character over trophies and commitment over quick fixes.
There's a reason for the mental health crisis counsellors are seeing on college campuses, where outwardly successful students are miserable inside because they can't cope with normal life challenges. There's a reason why psychologists are seeing a record number of 20-somethings who are depressed and don't know why, because they claim they had magical childhoods, their parents are their best friends, and they never experienced tragedy or anything more than normal disappointments.
It's largely due to the fact that we live in an age where we overindulge our children. We concentrate so hard on creating magical memories and removing obstacles to keep our children happy that we often fail to cultivate qualities like character, perseverance, patience, determination and resolve that they'll need to be happy, successful adults.
The children I most like to watch grow up aren't always in the spotlight. Personally, I favour the underdogs, those children who work harder than their peers because they have to and stay motivated when nobody's watching or cheering them on. Because these chilrden are building resiliency. They're driven by intrinsic factors. They're learning early that the best way to deal with a brick wall is to find ways to scale it, rather than expecting someone to take it away.
I admire my friend for letting her daughter wait two summers to earn "Swimmer of the Week" when the shortcut of a phone call was available. And I guarantee the pride her daughter feels when she sees that trophy - a symbol of her sweat and tears - is vastly different than the ambivalence she'd have toward a trophy her mom once helped her secure.
Because it's not trophies that build a child's self-esteem, but rather the stories behind those trophies. When a child leaves home at age 18, their trophies stay in their bedroom. The stories of how those trophies were earned, however, travel in their suitcase.
Preparing the child for the road means packing their suitcase with care. So as I pack my child’s suitcases with love, faith, and affection, I try to save room for resiliency and character - both acquired by facing obstacles and disappointments. I try to remember that every suitcase needs a healthy mix of warm memories and real-life lessons.
Whatever ends up in my child’s suitcases, I hope they carry them with pride. I hope their suitcases represent both the security of home and the security of knowing they can handle hard things.
Most of all, I hope I can love my children enough to not make their life too easy. It's a tall order for any parent whose heart breaks whenever their child is unhappy, but one we must all work toward if we want our kids to reach their full potential as healthy and well-adjusted adults.
As a father of two sons and a grandfather of two grandsons, I have been mindful that as one of their closest male role models, I’ve needed to be sensitive to and feel responsible for sharing what I have believed to be relevant, reflective and right messages along life’s journey. Understandably, acknowledging all the while that, given that my example is anything but perfect, these would be both in the form of what to do and what not to do.
Sadly, in my view, many sentiments on the list of what are shared below as ‘25 Rules to Teach Your Son’ have been diluted or simply disregarded entirely as being outmoded and unnecessary in a modern world. Perhaps so, but I still believe that all have some relevance.
In particular when, for those of us who are parents of boys, we recognise and take seriously our responsibility to equip and empower them as young men who will be able to hold their own and, when needed, stand alone. Men who will be willing, worthy and able to play their part in making sure that words such as respect, humility, integrity, trust, honour and strength of character are kept alive and will always mean something to them.
25 Rules to Teach Your Son
Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
Always treat your girlfriend like a queen.
When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
Return a borrowed car with a full tank of petrol.
Play with passion or don’t play at all.
When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them directly in the eye.
Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.
Try writing your eulogy. Never stop revising it.
Thank a veteran.
Eat lunch with the new child.
After writing an angry email, read it carefully then delete it.
Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
Manners maketh the man.
Give credit. Take the blame.
Stand up to bullies. Protect those who are bullied.
Write down your dreams.
Take time to snuggle with a pet, their unconditional love never leaves you wanting.
Be confident and humble at the same time.
If ever in doubt, remember whose son you are and refuse to just be ordinary.
In all things, lead by example not explanation.
Never embarrass your family through the actions you do.
Your true character is shown when no one is looking.
This is my last Headmaster’s Message as interim headteacher. It has been a great joy and a real pleasure to have been able to serve this amazing school in this capacity during these past four months. My sincere thanks to so many parents, all members of staff and the beautiful Edge Grove children for the warmth of embrace, your collective kindness and for being part of making this assignment such a pleasurable and happy one for me.
I wish you all a joyous, family-filled festive and Christmas season, much happiness into the holiday weeks ahead and God’s richest blessings.
Richard StanleyInterim Headmaster
